7 Signs Your Child May Be Struggling With Bullying

Remember the words to this old song?

“School days, school days,

Dear old golden rule days.

Readin' and 'ritin' and 'rith-me-tic

Taught to the tune of a hick'ry stick.”

For parents, the return to school this fall signals the big shift from summer to the back-to-school season. My suggestion to you this fall: Don’t wait for your child to use the word bullying. Sometimes the behavior changes before the words do. As I write this monthly article, I recognize these signs in my younger self after being bullied and beaten up. It's amazing how after fifty years, I can still vividly remember having these feelings of despair and sadness along with these symptoms. When I was a kid, my Grandmother would tease me. She would say, “You are so shy that if someone were standing on your foot, you would not say a thing.” These tips are warning signs of more serious mental health issues to watch out for.

1. Your child suddenly doesn’t want to go to school. Frequent complaints of feeling sick, requests to stay home, or unusually anxious behavior about Monday mornings can be a warning sign. I desperately wanted to skip school after being beat up. Walking the halls at school with a black eye was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. Comments like " loser” followed me for days. It's not that they want to skip; it's just that it's hard to learn when you are scared.
2. Their friendships suddenly change. A child who normally talks about friends may stop mentioning them, lose a friendship unexpectedly, or seem increasingly isolated. After being beaten up by the alpha teen in my neighborhood group, I lost my circle of friends. My parents were great about pushing me to keep in contact with other friends in town because we all need a support system and a sense of belonging. Even with kids around, your child can feel alienated and lonely.
3. Your child has mood or behavior changes. Increased irritability, sadness, anger, withdrawal, or emotional outbursts can signal that something is happening at school. On the outside, your child may look the same, but inside, their emotions are in a whirlpool of despair, helplessness, and sadness. They are trying their best but may not have the tools to cope. Long talks and hugs go a long way in helping. 
4. They start avoiding certain places or activities. Pay attention if your child suddenly doesn’t want to ride the bus, go to the cafeteria, attend recess, participate in activities, or go to a particular class. Going to these places is difficult because your child knows the bullies lie in wait and the bullying will begin again. As much as you might tell them to “tough it out,” it's not that easy. After being beaten up and bullied, my Mom drove me to school every day so I didn't have to take the bus. I am not sure this helped. I wished and hoped that I had confidence and self-defense skills, but at that time I had none. 
5. Their school performance changes. Difficulty concentrating, missing assignments, declining grades, or losing interest in school can sometimes accompany social problems. It's difficult and nearly impossible to learn when you live in a state of terror. Bullying has many debilitating effects on kids and will result in a lack of concentration and, as a result, poor academic performance and grades. 
6. Your child becomes unusually quiet about their day. If “How was school?” used to generate stories and now gets a quick “fine,” gently ask more specific questions rather than assuming everything is okay. Withdrawal from family and friends is another warning sign.
7. Your child loses confidence or begins blaming themselves. Statements like “Nobody likes me,” “I’m stupid,” or “It’s probably my fault” deserve attention. Children experiencing repeated negative treatment may begin to internalize it. A child who is bullied may feel like it was their fault that this is happening to them.

An important point for parents: None of these signs automatically means your child is being bullied, but these are signals to slow down, listen, and start a conversation. Sometimes it's easier for your child to speak to a trusted uncle or aunt because it feels safer. Let's do whatever it takes to get your child talking about their feelings, and communication is key. If you think this situation warrants seeing a counselor or therapist, please take action. If you live in northeast Connecticut, I have the perfect person to recommend.

It's a long road back from being bullied. I have two proven suggestions. One: find your kids a bodyguard, not like a Secret Service escort or a person with aviator sunglasses, but a confident and respected student in their class who will stick up for them. Bystanders need to become upstanders.

Secondly, build your kids from the inside out. Confident kids don't get bullied. Your child needs a skill that will build their confidence. When a child excels in any given field, their confidence will grow (in time). I wish I had the confidence I have today back then. I was shy and quiet, but being a martial arts black belt has given me great confidence and saved my life. 

“These days, my motto is simple: there are two kinds of people in the world — people who know me, and people who want to know me.”

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and 

anti-bully activist

Safety Tips to Teach Your Children if Lost

 

                                        Don't Panic- Do This!

Safety Tips to Teach Your Children if Lost 

One holiday season, while at the Auburn Mall, when my son was 6 years old, we were shopping with friends. While I was busy chatting, my son stopped to look in a store window while we continued.  When I glanced down, I saw he was not with us, and I began to panic. After a look around our immediate area, I retraced my steps, checking the sales desk at each store.  I was able to find him quickly because he knew to go to the register and ask for help.  Crisis averted.

Parents, don’t be afraid to talk about it, and even role-play; it can make a difference. I always like to highlight this in my strategy: “Perfect planning prevents poor performance”.

Stop moving- I taught my son to stay put. I retraced my steps, kept scanning, and was able to find him in minutes. Then I managed to bring my jacked anxiety back to normal.

Identify and Approach Safe Adults. First, stay calm- both the parent and the child should take three long, very slow breaths.  

• Teach your children how to identify safe adults they can approach for help. These choices should include police officers, store employees, security personnel, or women with children. Instruct them to avoid speaking to strangers who don’t fit these categories. 
• Give them a simple script to use (and please practice), such as, "I’m lost. Can you help me find my parents?" Reassure them that most adults are kind and willing to help, but they should still be cautious. 
• Your child must know that leaving a park or building with a man is a no-go proposition.
• Additionally, show them how to recognize uniforms and name tags that indicate someone’s official role.

Memorize names - 

• Kids need to know their full proper names. Not just their nickname or shortened kid name, but full first and last name. 
• Your children should know your real first and last name, not just Mommy or Daddy. 
• When kids realize that you're not in their line of sight, they should practice shouting your first and last name (like -John Smith!), not just Mommy or Daddy. 

Memorize your phone number-

Ensure they have memorized your phone number. To practice this, you can make a game or a song out of your number (think the alphabet song).

Establish a Meeting Spot-

When visiting crowded places like parks, malls, or events, establish a clear meeting spot (this is my recommendation for older children) in case you get separated. Choose a location that is easy to find and recognizable, such as the main entrance, a specific landmark, or the sales desk in a store. Show your children the spot when you arrive and explain that if they get lost, they should go there and wait for you. If they can’t find the meeting spot and you have already indicated it, they should seek help from a safe adult to guide them there. The very best choice for assistance is always a woman with children. A pre-planned spot serves as a reliable point of reference, giving you and your child a known location to reunite.

For you, the parent- 

• Take a photo right when you go to an amusement park so you can show someone what your child was wearing. Staff can't recognize similar-looking children but can grab a color combination much more easily. 
• Dress them in bright colors so they stick out in a crowd (picture the cop directing traffic). You can always use a digital tracker like an AirTag. You do this for your luggage; why not your kids? 
• One parent can stay in the spot where you first noticed your child was missing while the other parent/adult retraces your steps.

Please assure your kids that you are not angry, only scared for their safety. Everyone's emotions will run high in these situations, and I will remind you that in times of stress, long, slow breathing will help you manage your stress. By teaching your children these essential tips, you equip them with the knowledge and confidence to handle situations where they may become separated from you, ensuring their safety and your peace of mind during summer outings.  Like anything else, role-playing and regular practice make these habits stick. 

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bullying activist.